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Is This The Plight of the Caregiver?

I don’t want to talk about it……I CAN’T talk about it……it’s like sticking your finger in the dam and more holes keep opening up…..or you are blockading yourself in a house during the zombie apocolypse…..ANYTHING to keep from being overwhelmed……and I see myself just shoving back….desperately…….but I feel like I am starting to lose this battle……

I don’t want to think of anyone reading this…..I don’t want to think of anyone even KNOWING I feel this way……hell I don’t even want to acknowledge it…….this overwhelming amount of pressure…..but my therapist has health problems and keeps canceling my appointments so I guess this blog will have to do…..it’s my way of preserving my sanity.

I knew I was going to have to step up…..I knew that as soon as Paul was diagnosed…..but this total loss of my identity has surprised me. Those that know me well know I am an “all in’ kind of girl. I don’t half ass anything…work, personal, love, family…..it’s all the way with me…..so the role of “caregiver” has become my new identity. My entire life revolves around my husband and his health……what is he eating….is he resting enough……how does he feel…..is he getting a fever?…..it’s INSANE the amount of energy I spend worrying about him……and it’s not even a conscious thing anymore, like it was when he was first diagnosed……it’s more like “daily monitoring”….I don’t know……I don’t know what I am doing or how any of this is supposed to work…..

And it just seems to be getting worse…….chemo is coming on Thursday so that may be the source of this new round of anxiety…….honestly though, I don’t think that’s it. Actually, I KNOW that isn’t it……God this just kills me to say this but the stress of our financial situation is starting to take its toll.  Paul’s unemployment recently ran out……and let’s face it….who is going to hire him now? I sure as hell wouldn’t hire a man about to start chemo and radiation….no matter HOW talented he is…..it just isn’t going to happen……Fortunately my unemployment is still in place but we now need to replace that $1000 a month. A part-time job that we were SURE was a lock didn’t happen……so that has definitely thrown me into this funk……where I feel like it’s all on me……but it was our own fault really….we broke the Team Klemm Rule #1….NEVER count a sale until it’s in writing…..NEVER bank on a deal until it’s done…..and we did. We thought it was a sure thing….all done except dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s……so when he came home and said it wasn’t going to happen I was crushed….seriously…..I freaked…..

We have talked about my getting a “regular job” but the fact is my unemployment is MORE than what I can get with a regular job. I don’t want to take a pay cut to work some shit job somewhere. Part of the problem is I have the “stink of sales” on me. What does that mean? When you go through your life as a successful salesman, companies don’t WANT you to work in their back office or anywhere else for that matter….they see you can SELL and that is where they want you…..so as much as I want to stay off the floor they won’t allow it…..so my successful sales career has pretty much screwed me…..so YES, I could go sell cars…..but I would HATE it, the hours would suck and I wouldn’t make that much more than we are making right now so what’s the point?

There is only ONE option and that’s to make Little Dog Entertainment work. I had to almost completely cut bait on LolaBelle’s in order to put all that time and energy into LDE. The booking agency just delivers more “bang for my buck”. I can make a lot more $$ with it than I can expending the same amount of energy on LolaBelle’s so onto the back burner goes the dog treats and it’s make or break time with the booking agency.

Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE working the booking agency……but right now I am the ONLY one working the booking agency…..Paul is so consumed with re-working the score for The Producers there is no TIME to help me with the business….and there hasn’t been….for like 2 MONTHS……but I have to give him kudos because he COMMITTED to doing this score and really didn’t have any idea how difficult or time-consuming it would be….after all, he did the same thing with the score for Cabaret right?…..um, NO……this thing is HUGE…..but Paul isn’t a quitter and so he marches on….several hours a day….with his nose in a musical score and computer software…..for HOURS at a time……and it’s all pro bono work…….

I just hate the pressure of it……..it’s been a while since I worked a kitchen table and closed a deal…..so I am rusty to begin with….but when you walk in you have to make sure you don’t reek of despiration….that’s where lesser salesmen screw up…..clients can sense desperation when you are trying to close a sale…….and I am not sure I have ever been more desperate……so I will have to really “bring it” next week when I meet with funeral directors, retirement home directors and event planners next week…..

So I feel a little better…..thank you Dr. Blog…..send me your bill…….Oh wait, on second thought….DON’T! I can’t pay it anyway! ha ha ha! But seriously, I can feel the tension is somewhat gone……and I can move on with my day and make it productive now….instead of dealing with all this anxiety….which is now on these pages and out of my system……and there is no solution other than “work harder Lisa”……that is the only way out of this mess……but taking my fears and dumping them here on my blog allows me to do that……

So send us some prayers and good thoughts my friends! I know I am REALLY needing it right now……

Day 5 Recap

Paul is continuing to make progress…..not as quickly as Paul would like….but that’s Paul….and even though he is anxious to get out he is doing exactly like the doctors and nurses are saying…..taking lots of walks and getting up and moving around….

One of the HIGHLIGHTS of our day was Paul making a little Toot! I was here and heard it so it COUNTS! After the report of his success his lovely Nurse Janet removed the tube from his nose and there was a joyous celebration!

…..Yay for FARTS!………………….

You can see how HAPPY Paul is to get that thing out of him!

They also removed his catheter this morning but his body is just not ready to pee yet….so it may have to go back in….not sure….we will have to see what happens…..

The Chief Resident came in tonight and said Paul can start on “Sips and Chips” which is sips of water and ICE CHIPS! Horray! And he will be having a breakfast of broth or other clear liquid and see how he holds that down. Personally, I think getting these tubes out and letting him drink a bit will help start-up his system again….

I mean, there is nothing like a HUGE boo boo and a bunch of tubes to make your entire system say….”um No Thanks” …and take a rest for a few days….it seems Paul’s insides are just lying around like this is some kind of vacation but the vacation is OVER insides! It’s time to get back to work!

So a good day overall with tomorrow looking to be fun with some food!

It looks like Paul is going to be here until Tuesday or Wednesday, based on where he has progressed to as of this point. I will be checking out and headed back home on Monday….I have to……I can’t be away for more than a week for a variety of reasons and the fact is, I am not really “needed” here….yes, I am his best pal and there is no one he would rather hang out with but the fact of the matter is Paul will be fine a day or two without me. Maybe someone will go visit him!…..’cause I have to get back to the kids and the pets and my Full Monty rehearsals….so I am OUT on Monday with or without him and it’s looking like “without”……

But we discussed this and were prepared…..I am just glad I can go and know he is going to be fine without me here….yes, he will be bored…..but absence makes the heart grow fonder! And I will be back here in a red-hot minute to collect him and bring him home!

That’s all for today! Pray for pee!

Waiting….

Ok so now it’s MY turn to wait! Day 2 of auditions went great! We had several more people show up, especially more MEN, who weren’t shy about some preliminary shedding of clothes so it was a lot of FUN! I am totally convinced this show is going to be of EPIC proportions! There were some incredible voices there last night and some serious shaking of some BOOTIES! I hope I get to be involved in some way!! Worse comes to worse I will be singing my little heart out behind the concession stand! Not such a bad place to hang out! (They know me there! ha ha!)

Today they will be assigning roles and doings lots of other things to get prepared for the beginning of The Full Monty!! We were told they would have the cast list posted on the website www.AuroraArtsTheatre.com by midnight tonight! I don’t know if I can wait that long!! ha ha!

Boy, for two racehorses, Paul and I sure find ourselves stuffed into the starting gate and left there pretty often……and that’s not a good place to leave us for too long! You can’t put an idea in our heads and leave us….WAITING……ugh…..we hate it! ha ha ha! We are thinkers and planners and we EXECUTE! We aren’t the ones standing around the water cooler wondering how we are going to do something…..we take the bull by the hornitoes and MAKE IT HAPPEN BABY! So yea….this waiting…….

and waiting……

but I will find ways to occupy myself…….there is dog food to make and some treat orders to send out…..and some pacing to do……with my phone in my hand….fully charged….and ON….so i can wait for my call……from my director….so she can tell me…..

Oooohhhh I hope I get the part I want! ❤

Stay tuned!!

What FUN!!

So I auditioned for The Full Monty last night…..first time ever (O.o) and I had so much FUN!! We danced and sang and read lines…..and I was with all my friends!! Paul came too for moral support and he helped the guys with their vocals while the girls were singing! This has been a much-needed distraction for both of us……since sitting around in LIMBO is pretty much sucking……

For those that don’t know this about Paul….he likes to work….A LOT……and this “cancer thing” is just such an inconvenience…..I mean, when he was sick for 6-8 weeks over the holidays they guy worked every weekend…..102 sporatic fevers,  jaundice and a 40 lb. weight loss and he kept right on working…..And of course a lot of it is his ambition and his desire to provide for his family…..but mostly it’s because he LOVES it…..

You just can’t shut down a man who finally, after a life time of working shitty jobs, starts working his God-given vocation……MUSIC…….but again…..here is this “inconvenience”.

So again, this is a much-needed distraction!

We have spent time listening to the soundtrack from the musical….NOT the movie. Just to clarify for those not familiar with Monty, the movie came out first then the musical. The dialog is much the same and the storyline of course but the music is totally different and the movie is NOT a musical but has popular songs like Donna Summers “Hot Stuff” and things like that. The movie is fun and gives you a great picture of what the show is about…..I can promise you that the music from the show is much BETTER than the movie! And it’s a lot funnier! It’s just going to be EPIC people!

On my application they asked what roles I was interested in…..I answered (Shhhhhh!) and I also said I would be happy to play a piece of furniture too! Put a lampshade on my head and stick me in a corner! I don’t care! ‘Cause the music is incredible and the dancing will be fantastic and the singing will be tremendous and there may even be butt cheeks! SQUEAL! Count me IN!

So hopefully our hospital stay will include my recovering hubby helping me read lines or sing a few bars! He hopes to start working on the re-scoring of The Producers (the next show after The Full Monty). That has a 28 piece orchestra and there is no room or budget for THAT at our beloved Aurora Arts Theatre!! lol! So that will keep him busy during his hospital stay!

After the audition we stopped and grabbed a burger and kabitzed over the events of the evening……and we laughed that Paul is going to live vicariously through ME for a change!

Here is the trailer for the MOVIE The Full Monty. Like I said, the music is different but no less FUN!!

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