Just another WordPress.com site

Posts tagged ‘Roleplaying’

Dreams….and Fears……

I didn’t sleep well last night……restless……waking up a lot……and dreaming….of my husbands funeral…….

I am still waging my battle against my “Death Thing”. I am not sure if I even blogged about this before but my “Death Thing” is a piece of my baggage…..we all have our “baggage” but one of my Designer pieces has a name….My Death Thing……and I have toted it around with me since my early 20’s……

When I first received this baggage it was HUGE……I could hardly drag it along with me. In fact, it slowed me down so much I enlisted the help of a professional who showed me how to make it much smaller…….so I lugged the “carry on” version for a very long time…….it was hardly noticable…..it would bang around every now and again….just to let me know it was there…..but it wasn’t much of a burden anymore……

Then God showed me it was ok to just set it down……I didn’t have to carry that baggage anymore……and I put all my faith in Him and I have never felt so free……

But I have to confess….this cancer diagnosis has brought it back…..in full force…….It’s not as bad as before……but it’s still there….this Thing in the background that tries to steal my pleasant thoughts and replace them with terrifying ones…..the Thing that creeps into my head and says things like “This is the beginning of the end”……the Thing that has me dreaming of a funeral…..

Some days it’s as small as a make up bag….others it’s a wheeled carry on…..but it will never be that massive piece of baggage I started with…..my Faith won’t allow it to ever grow that big again…..and my Faith is what makes it smaller…..

But sometimes it doesn’t make it small enough…..it still rears its ugly head with images floating by of memorial services and arrangements and what’s going to happen with my kids? and oh my God am I going to have to spend the second half of my life without my soul mate? and Are people going to be telling me next year how great he was doing and how shocking his death is? and I can’t even BELIEVE this is happening to us and I just want to WAKE UP from this NIGHTMARE!……………

Bt then God interferes and sends me support in a phone call….or a hug….or an “I understand” …….or a scripture reading…..and it subsides………and my Death Thing becomes a scrap of lint in my pocket…

………….for now…..

Day 5 Recap

Paul is continuing to make progress…..not as quickly as Paul would like….but that’s Paul….and even though he is anxious to get out he is doing exactly like the doctors and nurses are saying…..taking lots of walks and getting up and moving around….

One of the HIGHLIGHTS of our day was Paul making a little Toot! I was here and heard it so it COUNTS! After the report of his success his lovely Nurse Janet removed the tube from his nose and there was a joyous celebration!

…..Yay for FARTS!………………….

You can see how HAPPY Paul is to get that thing out of him!

They also removed his catheter this morning but his body is just not ready to pee yet….so it may have to go back in….not sure….we will have to see what happens…..

The Chief Resident came in tonight and said Paul can start on “Sips and Chips” which is sips of water and ICE CHIPS! Horray! And he will be having a breakfast of broth or other clear liquid and see how he holds that down. Personally, I think getting these tubes out and letting him drink a bit will help start-up his system again….

I mean, there is nothing like a HUGE boo boo and a bunch of tubes to make your entire system say….”um No Thanks” …and take a rest for a few days….it seems Paul’s insides are just lying around like this is some kind of vacation but the vacation is OVER insides! It’s time to get back to work!

So a good day overall with tomorrow looking to be fun with some food!

It looks like Paul is going to be here until Tuesday or Wednesday, based on where he has progressed to as of this point. I will be checking out and headed back home on Monday….I have to……I can’t be away for more than a week for a variety of reasons and the fact is, I am not really “needed” here….yes, I am his best pal and there is no one he would rather hang out with but the fact of the matter is Paul will be fine a day or two without me. Maybe someone will go visit him!…..’cause I have to get back to the kids and the pets and my Full Monty rehearsals….so I am OUT on Monday with or without him and it’s looking like “without”……

But we discussed this and were prepared…..I am just glad I can go and know he is going to be fine without me here….yes, he will be bored…..but absence makes the heart grow fonder! And I will be back here in a red-hot minute to collect him and bring him home!

That’s all for today! Pray for pee!

Tag Cloud