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Dreams….and Fears……

I didn’t sleep well last night……restless……waking up a lot……and dreaming….of my husbands funeral…….

I am still waging my battle against my “Death Thing”. I am not sure if I even blogged about this before but my “Death Thing” is a piece of my baggage…..we all have our “baggage” but one of my Designer pieces has a name….My Death Thing……and I have toted it around with me since my early 20’s……

When I first received this baggage it was HUGE……I could hardly drag it along with me. In fact, it slowed me down so much I enlisted the help of a professional who showed me how to make it much smaller…….so I lugged the “carry on” version for a very long time…….it was hardly noticable…..it would bang around every now and again….just to let me know it was there…..but it wasn’t much of a burden anymore……

Then God showed me it was ok to just set it down……I didn’t have to carry that baggage anymore……and I put all my faith in Him and I have never felt so free……

But I have to confess….this cancer diagnosis has brought it back…..in full force…….It’s not as bad as before……but it’s still there….this Thing in the background that tries to steal my pleasant thoughts and replace them with terrifying ones…..the Thing that creeps into my head and says things like “This is the beginning of the end”……the Thing that has me dreaming of a funeral…..

Some days it’s as small as a make up bag….others it’s a wheeled carry on…..but it will never be that massive piece of baggage I started with…..my Faith won’t allow it to ever grow that big again…..and my Faith is what makes it smaller…..

But sometimes it doesn’t make it small enough…..it still rears its ugly head with images floating by of memorial services and arrangements and what’s going to happen with my kids? and oh my God am I going to have to spend the second half of my life without my soul mate? and Are people going to be telling me next year how great he was doing and how shocking his death is? and I can’t even BELIEVE this is happening to us and I just want to WAKE UP from this NIGHTMARE!……………

Bt then God interferes and sends me support in a phone call….or a hug….or an “I understand” …….or a scripture reading…..and it subsides………and my Death Thing becomes a scrap of lint in my pocket…

………….for now…..

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