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Mother’s Day Was a Drag

I am going to keep this short and sweet…’cause I hate whiners…..but my Mother’s Day pretty much sucked….church was nice, we went early and by 10 am I was laying in the sun….something I NEVER do but I have been craving sunshine and outdoors….too much hospital/doctor office air I guess…..anyway, the day just went on and on and there was nothing…..I made my own lunch…..Paul cooked dinner, like he does several times a week, chicken on the grill….like we have on a regular basis…..nothing special…..

at 6:30 my daughter strolls in with her grandma…..with whom she spent saturday night and all day Sunday with…..she did have a cute make up bag for me which I really appreciated…..but the day was pretty much over by then……and the bottom line is she spent Mother’s Day with everyone BUT her mom…..so that conjures up awful feeling of how I am the inferior STEP mother and she really wishes she was living with her grandma anyway….blah, blah, blah……I have raised this child for 7 years……so yea…….that hurt…..

And my son…..he spent the day just like any other…..glued to the TV……and my husband spent it like any other day….glued to the computer……that boy should know better…..I will say, he offers to help me around the house every day….and that is the part that surprises me……I can’t believe he didn’t think to himself, “I’ll clean the house for mom” or wash her car or make her a card or SOMETHING…..but he didn’t……and he isn’t a baby anymore…..and that hurt….a lot…..

And it’s too late now……I sure as hell don’t want to see even a damn daisy at this point…….sometimes you don’t get a second chance and THIS is one of those times……

But I can’t stay mad at Paul…..the kids, yes……Paul, no…….he is always so sincere when he apologizes to me and he never makes excuses and he just takes all the blame…..how can you stay mad at that? And that’s the thing about my husband…..no one knows me so perfectly…..he may screw up from time to time….and it’s RARE let me tell you…..but he isn’t perfect of course…..but when he does screw up he handles it just perfectly…..he knows just the right things to say to make all my anger and hurt go away……and NO ONE has ever been able to do that with me……

So we came close to our first fight last night but no dice…….that just isn’t in our nature….and let’s face it….Paul is WAY too smart to get into a fight with ME!

Why am I so ANGRY??

I almost didn’t write this….I have labored for days trying to decide because #1 I don’t like to bitch….it really isn’t my nature….#2 I hate to bitch publicly about my family……I don’t air dirty laundry…PERIOD…..ask my mother, she will tell you! My divorce from my first husband caught everyone off guard because they had no idea anything was wrong…..because I just deal with it in my own house….and I am a pretty private person these days…..and I can’t stand people who just go on and on and on about how miserable their life is…..so I tend to go the other direction and not go into much detail at all….

Now that’s not to say I don’t have people I can talk to…..my mother has been my ROCK through this entire thing. Sadly, she went through the same experience with my beloved step-father almost 20 years ago….so she has “been there and done that” ……and I visit with a therapist through my church Methodist Health Ministries….it’s a good place for me to go and say all those things that you CAN’T say to someone you ‘know”…you know? ……

But even with all that…….I have been “bent out of shape” since Paul came home…….actually, I take that back……it didn’t start until late last week…..when things got “back to normal” for the children……that’s when things start to lax around here…..made a specific request “feed the dogs, now please” as I walked out the door Saturday night….come home several HOURS later…dogs fed? Of course not…..assign someone a load of towels…they wash them, dry them then leave them in the basket in the middle of the laundry room. Seriously, I want to CHOKE them…..

I mean, my kids aren’t BABIES….they are 17 and almost 13 for crying out loud! Am I expecting too much when I look at a destroyed kitchen and say to myself “no one could take 10 minutes to load this MESS into an empty dishwasher?” I sure as hell NEVER would have left something like that for my mother……

And it isn’t just that……it isn’t just the kids……a lot of it is me…..my stress level is through the roof and I just want everyone to sit down and shut the hell up so I can take care of my husband…..that’s all I want……just BEHAVE for Christ’s sake……Keep your GRADES up….I am spending $150 a MONTH on ADHD meds for 3 F’s…..yea, that makes mom pretty happy…..

And we just lost Paul’s unemployment benefits……so yea……we are really under a lot of pressure to get Little Dog Entertainment back up and running.  That’s a whole other blog post in itself…..the downsizing of LolaBelle’s Treats and pouring our energies into LDE. But again….pressure…..Pressure…..PRESSURE>>>>>>>>>>

I suppose all of this is normal……but damn……it’s intense…….

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NEXT DAY-

So after I wrote this blog post I had a sit down with the kids and they seemed to get it…..there were lots of offers to help….a few excuses…which I made very clear I don’t want to hear anymore…..and a general “let’s all work together” feel to the entire thing. Hopefully that will get them back on track otherwise I made it clear I was going to “shut their shit down” (that translates to: Mom will TAKE your COOL STUFF like your stereo and video games unless…)

I hate to admit it but I have gone almost militant around here. I don’t give them 50 million things to do but the 2 or three chores I DO assign I expect to be done…..and not done half ass either……

The bottom line is if I want this house to continue to run smoothly….I am going to have to do it…..manage it I mean…..I don’t want Paul worrying about anything other than getting better……

Mom’s Home!!!

I made it back yesterday around 3pm……leaving him behind in that hospital…that just felt totally wrong…..we have a “no man left behind” kind of attitude here in our family and it just……let’s just say I am glad it’s only for 24 hours.

Of course there were lots of sloppy puppy kisses and hugs and a few tears when we all reunited. My home was clean and neat and there wasn’t even a DISH in the SINK! I was so proud of them and it appears everyone held up pretty well. I have some concerns about my daughter but I prefer to leave those private……I worry about her so much…..this sweet child loses her mother to cancer at age 9 and now she has to watch her father go through this too? My heart breaks for her every day…..over and over……but she is doing MUCH better than we expected but there are just a few things I am keeping a special watch over…..I am such the mother hen……

So we got to spend some time together, the children and I, until it was time for me to go to my first dance rehearsal for The Full Monty! I had missed the entire first week of rehearsals but am confident I can catch up! Since my character Jeanette doesn’t show up until the end of the first act it looks like I might also get to play a dancer getting a lesson early in the show! There will be random couples dancing while Debra sings “Life with Harold” , one of my favorite songs! Cyndi’s choreography is terrific and with some practice we are going to look GREAT! And it was so nice to see so many friends and get hugs and I didn’t break down and cry once! It really recharges my soul!

Even though the house looks great, we still have food (I am SHOCKED!) and I am forever grateful to my incredible mother in law for the kid care services, it’s easy to see “Mom’s HOME”. I was greeted with ride requests, $ requests (of course) “I need this from the store”, “Mom I forgot my band uniform!” at 7:30 AM….thanks Daniel!

 (-_-) …..*SIGH*………..Mom’s Home………

You know, the part I didn’t anticipate was how much my body would hurt…..physically……I mean, I feel like I have been run over by a truck….and this was BEFORE the dance lesson! ha ha ha! The dancing actually helped me feel BETTER! But I wasn’t really prepared for what spending 12-14 hours in a hospital room for 7 straight days would mean….they had a lot of construction at the hospital and I would thank God every morning for the gorgeous weather for my one mile hike thru barriers and fences to get to the hospital entrance….

San Antonio reminds me so much of home….Cincinnati….and it comes with better weather! Here on the Gulf Coast it’s flat…now we have gorgeous palm trees and beautiful water but I always enjoy the rolling hills and huge oak trees of San Antonio. And I relished every walk to and from the truck…..because hospital air sucks……it makes me tired and it’s so artifical…it has to be of course….but it isn’t natural to be in that environment for so long without breathing in fresh air…..you just can’t believe the difference you feel sucking that into your lungs the minute you hit the doors….it’s like my body was desperate for it……but I have never been very comfortable in hospitals over all…..but that is changing….

So not only does the air suck but, for me anyway, I have muscle soreness all over. I have this habit of tensing up when I get nervous. After a few minutes I will realize it and relax but then minutes later I will be doing it again…..unconcious habit…..toss in the fact that I am handling IV’s and tubes and plugging things in and out and helping him in and out of bed has left me feeling like I fell down a flight of stairs…..missing 2 weeks of my Zumba class didn’t help either and a hotel with no workout facilities….I can’t imagine what I would have felt like if I hadn’t been taking those classes for the last two months…..

But I am home now and Paul is right behind me! Provided no fever shows up, he is scheduled to be released today!! He really progressed over the weekend and shaved 2 more days off his anticipated release date! Such the over achiever! Even better it looks like he is HITCHING a ride home to see his girl! My good friend Margot, who came and sat with me while Paul had his surgery, happens to be in the area today and said she would be happy to bring him home and save me the TRIP!! Can you believe? God is so good to send these wonderful people into our life to help us out! At almost $4/gal (WTH??!!) for gas we appreciate the ride!!

I will be really happy to get him home. He is going to heal even FASTER being able to sit on the back porch with his little dog by his side…..or working at his desk and listening to his music on his stereo……it’s just a better environment for healing…….and then I can relax……a little…….

Day 6 – Pathology Results

One of Paul’s surgeons stopped by with his pathology report and it’s very GOOD! It looks like the tumor was about 2 cm wide and they got reports of clean margins (That means they removed ALL cancerous tissue!) They removed 21 lymph nodes for biopsy and all but 2 came back clear so Paul WILL be having chemotherapy.

Truth be told, we were having chemo regardless of the pathology reports because Paul is determined to hit this thing with all we got so this is no surprise. We will have a short meeting with the oncologist tomorrow to discuss his treatment and to see when we can get started.

We anticipate being able to start in another 3-4 weeks. Paul is healing very well and should be strong enough to start in about that time frame. We will make arrangements with the doctors here for Paul to receive his chemo in Corpus Christi. They have already indicated that wouldn’t be a problem. That way we won’t have to drive to San Antonio 3 times a week.

the worst part is…….

………………..PAUL IS GOING TO LOSE HIS HAIR!…………………………..

Devastating news I tell you 😀

As far as prognosis, you know, this is one of those types of cancers that really can’t be predicted. His doc said he has seen HOSPICE patients come in here, get treated and 10 years later are still going strong…..another patient  younger than Paul was back in 3 years with issues again……you just can’t tell….

Diligence is going to be our best bet. Paul will go for checkups in 3, 6, 12 and 18 mos. so only time will tell…….we will just have to stay on top of it and continue to live a good clean life and make sure he has the BEST SHOT POSSIBLE to beat this thing once and for all!

Besides the pathology results I am also happy to report (no farting or peeing reports…I’ll save those for Paul!) that Paul is starting on liquids and doing very well. He has had some broth and ice chips and juice and is tolerating it just fine. They are also starting him on some oral medication and tomorrow the epidural will be coming out along with 2 of his drain lines! That will leave him with only an IV in the arm for the duration of his stay and one “bile bag”. That will stay in for about 2 more weeks. They need to continue to drain the pancreas a little while longer. Really, Paul hardly notices it it’s such a small tube…..so that won’t be such a big deal…..

So we spent our day working on my music for “The Full Monty” and we took a nice afternoon siesta like we have done almost every day! 😀 I LOVE my afternoon nap! ha ha! We also took several walks around the floor with “Let It Go” and “Big Black Man” playing on my phone so we could sing and do some grooving down the halls! We had fun with it and he is making rounds on this floor pretty regularly! Oh course, the nurses love him!

I will be checking out of the hotel tomorrow morning and will be leaving for home around noon or 1pm. We both agreed I shouldn’t stay any longer. Really, he is getting along so well it’s not like he NEEDS me here…..but there is no one else he would rather hang out with than “his girl” so it will be a little lonely here for a couple of days……GOOD!….get you out of here all the faster!!

So I will go home so Grandma can go back home and I will just zip back up here to drive the get away car!! That way I can go home and care for the children, make sure the household is moving along as usual and I can start attending rehearsals for “Full Monty”.  I can’t even imagine how crazy my dogs are going to go tomorrow when I come home….I plan on just laying on the floor and letting them get it all out of their system! There is sure to be lots of jumping and happy puppies when Mom gets home tomorrow! I imagine there will also be a couple of happy and jumping children too 🙂

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