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Posts tagged ‘Attila’

When you think there are no words….

well, after a year and a half of battling this horrible, horrible disease it looks like we are ending back right where we started from…. CTRC (Cancer Therapy and Research Center) in San Antonio. This is where we went after Paul’s whipple procedure in April of last year. Instead of going to SA for treatment, we went to the Corpus Christi Cancer Center where they followed the protocol that was recommended by CTRC. So we haven’t done any less than they would have done in San Antonio…..the problem is none of it is working.

The 6 month treatment of Gymsar and radiation didn’t work as evident from his bowel obstruction with evidence of cancer cells….then we tried 6 weeks of a 4 chemo cocktail and the results of his PET scan last week show that is doing nothing to slow down what appears to be the Attila the Hun of cancers. Several new “hotspots” showed up in the PET scan including lymph nodes in his chest, something on his ribs and a spot on his hip bone. We were told today there is nothing more available in Corpus for us to do and we need to investigate experimental treatments at a larger cancer center.

what do you do with that kind of news?

“I’m sorry but there is nothing more we can do for you here….”

This ordeal is exhausting. I always need about 24 hours to absorb news like this. I fall to pieces, cry, freak out, sob in my husbands arms about how I can’t bear the thought of even a day with out him, how I can’t believe this is even happening and losing him will be a TRAGEDY…..I mean really….I know so many people are vested in us…..I mean, our story alone tugs at the heart strings…..getting back together after 20 years…..people KNOW how in love we are and how perfect together we are….and to even THINK about a tragic end…..I just can’t….I just can’t….

We are far from being done. We both know there are trials going on at CTRC that he could do very well with. He is young, healthy and has a great attitude. They will be happy to try something new and progressive on a candidate like him, I know it. I refuse to believe there isn’t more we can do. Fighting to the finish is the only way we know how…..but the possibility of the “end” is looming larger and larger…..

I can be as positive as I want but I also have to be realistic. This thing is a monster and it isn’t going down any time soon. Knowing that this thing is continuing to wreak havoc on my husband with no sign of slowing down is disturbing on a whole other level. I can’t even fathom that nothing can stop this….how is that possible?

This much I do know….the level of my devastation at losing him will be immeasurable. I even felt some anger today….not at him of course, not at God…..but at the prospect of being left behind. I told him today if this doesn’t work he gets to go to heaven with Jesus and I’ll be stuck here in this shit hole for the rest of my days…..a life that won’t hardly be worth living. But I will be forced to live it because of my children. The concept of abandoning them in my grief simply is not an option. But the idea of spending 30 years without the love of my life is just……no words can describe……I can’t even imagine it. He goes on an overnight trip and I can’t wait for him to come home. My favorite part of my day is snuggling in bed with him and our little dogs watching food network or swamp people or some other silly show. When I get frightened during this fight he holds me close and knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. How will I survive my most devastating loss with out him?

I wish I could just live in denial…..that it just isn’t going to happen…..but that isn’t me. In fact, sadly, I have known this would be my destiny for the last 20 years. In my early 20’s I lost my step father tragically and suddenly. Being the love of my mother’s life, her devastation was beyond measure. In truth, she has never been the same. I spent 2 years in therapy dealing with abandonment issues and my intense fear of loss and my insistence that I was going to find the love of my life and I would lose him tragically just as she had done. Over the years I was finally able to let go of my “death thing” and not worry so much about losing my loved ones. So of course, this all seems an incredible premonition or cosmic joke.

even if it doesn’t come to fruition and he manages to beat this thing the damage is already done. Every ache and pain is cause for alarm and will be even if there is a complete cure and he lives another 30 years. Is this a lesson in faith? I don’t believe God works that way. He didn’t give Paul cancer so we could learn lessons. He didn’t give it to him at all. Things like this just happen but lessons can be learned through the suffering. My faith is the only thing that is going to get me through this ordeal. My husband will take me as far as he can but eventually it will be down to me and God. He will not let me down…..the question will be if I can put all my trust in Him.

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